Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just pynch a tree in the face
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
