he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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