I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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