Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
