your parents love me but you hate me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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