Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Come on in and take your pants off
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
