Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
