Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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