Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize