Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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