I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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