someone threw a dead crab at me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize