I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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