His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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