he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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