"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize