I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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