I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
