someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize