My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
