Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
