Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Houston, we have a blender
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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