Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
