have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
