dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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