first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
