Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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