Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the day after is always just damage control
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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