The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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