Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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