my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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