There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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