Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
