3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
