I saw his package. It spoke to me.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
