We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
