The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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