you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize