If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
