i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
