I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
