I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
