It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize