I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
