I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
