I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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