My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
