who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need a beard to bite.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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