Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
