watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
