Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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