Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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