Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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