"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize