I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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