It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
