now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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