I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
