I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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