He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
