i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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