Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
